Boobs.

I write this with a heavy heart, my friends.
I have finally faced the fact that I cannot wear the dress I love for my cousins wedding.

Why? you ask.
That back.
It's lace.
You can't wear a regular bra with that back!

I have been hunting for ways to make this work.
But let us just think about this for a moment.
I am not a small woman.
My boobs are a 38DDD (Aka a 38E) (an E!!!!!) (In the UK that means F. a mother effing F)
So. Let me share with you  my discoveries.

The Steffie sent this to me on the Pinterest.

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I tried this in my bathroom last night. It didn't work. And it really just hurt, actually. So that's a no.

So I hit the Google.

so this would be perfect right? It has weird skin safe tape that just sticks it on there magically. Too bad the biggest size it comes in is a C, so I'm screwed in that front.

Guess what? This was my stroke of genius. I was like, that would be perfect. I love this idea. I could wear a real bra and keep the girls tamed! Great!

All of these only come up to a D cup D':
Strike Three.

so. There's this. It looks uncomfortable, but by now I'm desperate.

Nope. Only up to a D.
even my last option is a fail!
I remain optimistic.

okay, this is honestly the last ditch effort I made. It's weird boob tape that you use to hoist your tatas up.
It says it works up to size DD. I figure I could push it. Then I looked at all the reviews and all the girls over a C said it worked for like, maybe an hour before the tape ripped. I can't freeboob it. That is a very very bad idea. 

Well, the dress hunt continues since my boobs are obviously just too big.

I am beginning to hate them, really.

Time to start collecting money for a reduction. Anyone want to donate?

I've never really had small boobs. Like, I was a C cup in 8th grade. And my older cousin was like a B in her senior year of high school, (love you!) so I felt like a freak of nature. My aunt even tried to get my baby cousin to call me Booby instead of Brittany. (luckily she called me Mitney until she was old enough to figure it out.)

Basically, I was just really self conscious until like, my junior year when I realized that having boobs is great!
Then I had three kids and I was not one of the lucky moms that had boobs that just went back to their original size. They kept expanding. And now I'm here. Not fitting into any backless bras. Or cute bras, if you want to be honest. So, girls, aim for a good C cup. That's what I've found to be generally awesome. 

Anyway, there you go. Boobs failed the dress.
Anyone who can find a cute semiformalish black on black on black on black (so, just black) dress that would look cute on a thick girl with curves, post the link in the comments.
Ps, I like flowy. & Empire waist lines whenever possible.

Wish me happy hunting!

-Brittany (Booby)