Week One

Holy Geez, I started school Monday Xiaden started school on Wednesday, and on Tuesday Kam & Rhyssie start a new day care (which I spent all week arranging) and we all survived! We're all alive!
Xiaden is loving every single second of kindergarten. I dropped her off Wednesday and she verbally pushed me out the door (literally, she said "bye mom" about 7 times.) I will answer the very big question though: No I did not cry. I almost did when I called at 3:30 (to make sure Mema picked her up) and she said she had a great day, and I had to breath deeply for a second or two while I was working.
I am taking three classes this semester.
Mondays & Wednesdays I have sign language at 5:30. My professor is communicating over a webcam thing with our whole class, plus a class at another college, plus his class at Howard (in Big Spring) I say communicating because he doesn't talk. Not a word. He's Deaf and he's snarky, and hilarious. I sit next to a girl named Erica (not that we have a seating arrangement or anything, but we both like sitting in the front row, and she had a book the first day, so I made a wise decision. We're cool. Two classes and no one has changed seats.) but it's pretty awesome. I like it.
Tuesdays & Thursdays are my morning classes.
8am. English. My professor is a sweet older lady. I haven't learned a single thing about English though. I actually wouldn't have known what the class is even about if I hadn't gone online and read the syllabus. So far what I have learned is that she went to school in Dallas & has friends all over the world, including but not limited to Korea & Europe. Her daughter is adopted, and got her GED at 16 and is now going to some out of state college. She has a dog & her car is 10 years old. It needs an oil change but she's been putting it off. Her father passed away last week, so she's experiencing grief & empty nest all at the same time. She has been teaching for 32 years, and she hangs out with the president of the college. There's more, but I was bored to death after the first hour of it, no need to fill you in on the near three hours of nonsense I listened to.
9:30am. History. Prof is fantastic, I enjoyed my first lecture, he makes jokes pertaining to the subject and it's lovely. I am in class with a couple of "Early College High School" program (aka, 16 year olds in my classes) and they act like stupid little 16 year olds, making random comments in high school making smart ass comments (just like 16 year old Brittany did) and I accidentally gave one the resting bitch face Thursday.. whoops. She shut up though, so that was cool.

Anywho, since I've devoured all of my recent netflix addictions, I just decided to go ahead and find myself a new one. Lost Girl. I LOVE IT. I have been marathon binging all day. But it's okay, because it's my first day off in two weeks so I deserved it.
The Steffie monster is on the phone with me and I am no longer paying attention to the blog that is you. I love you so much, tiny bloggers!
-B

Startled

Things that I have come to realize this week.

1. College books are absolutely absurd. I am sorry, but I don't think any amount of paper will make a book worth $300 dollars unless the book cover is made of gold. Mkay?

2. I am really possessive. Over family, friends, boys, TV shows, hobbies. Everything. Like, if I did it first and then you do it, I'll probably be a little upset. Like... no. I did that. You can't just copy me. That's rude. Or HA! I FOUND A BOY. No you can't talk to him. Mine. Just... I am weird.

3. Mom knows I have a crush on stupid boy and no matter how much I deny it. I think she may hate his stinkin guts as much as I do, but she probably secretly approves or something. I mean, he scared the crap out of her earlier this week and she didn't hit him, so she must not completely hate him.

4. I like recognition. Like, at work, I do a lot of things, and my boss doesn't see it, so he thinks I sit around on facebook all day. WRONG. SO WRONG. I do tons of things and you need to tell me I am awesome because I AM AWESOME.

5. My cousins are growing up. That one leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. My baby cousin is 18 and can go to bars and pierce her navel, and for some reason, I just didn't think she would do that ever, and so the fact that I'm taking her dancing in a bar with me tonight makes me feel absolutely ancient.

6. School starts next week. My Xiaden will be a kindergartener. With uniforms and backpacks and school supplies, and has to be there at like, 8 in the freaking morning. Hahaha.

7. My real nails are really really long. I have gotten the acrylics redone and redone and yesterday, I told my nail people I wanted to keep my nails this time. So they told me about this magic thing called dip powder. It's chemical free and way better for my nails than shelac, AND it strengthens my flimsy nails. So they did it and it still looks like my nails are fake. BECAUSE THEYRE THAT LONG.

8. I just am not interested in men who wear jean shorts. They were cool in elementary school, bro. But not any more. If you're older than 12 and wearing jean shorts, and aren't my grandfather, then I am insta-uninterested.

9. I like batman better than superman... But Marvel still kicks DCs butt, hands down.

10. This isn't exactly a revelation, and it's not even a thing from this week, it's from like, 13 days ago, but I ran out of realizations and 9 was a weird number to leave it alt... So just let me tell you, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY IS FREAKING FANTASTIC. OH MY SWEET JESUS IT IS SO GOOD AND I LOVE IT AND OMG ITS GREAT. sorry. I'm overly enthused. But it's so good.

Later losers.
Brittany

ps. go to graham central station tonight, Eli Young is in town!

6 months.

I have just come to the startling realization that my blog is 6 months old!!! I feel this blog is my baby or something. I dig it.
I also dig babies.
So, as a completely random post, I am going to discuss how my children got their names.

Xiaden Fayelise

Okay, I went through about 18 billion names to get to this. There was one pretty big contender, Zaedy (and sometimes I still wish I went with this one. But I have a first cousin named Raeannon and her little brother's name is Zane.... too close.) There was a point when I firmly believed she was actually a he, and his name was going to be William (After my papa) Kylor (after my brothers, KYle & tyLOR) Luckily she wasn't a boy, because Kylor/Kyler got really popular like a year later, so whatever.
Xiaden. I didn't like Xaiden. It didn't make sense to me, the X  + i  = z sound. aden makes the sound Aden, and the i was superfluous in aiden, so I switched them to make more sense. Of course, that caused a lot of confusion for the world, but I stand by my saying that it's correct. Sure, I could have gone with Zaden, but it just looks to... masculine. Call me weird, whatever.

Anyway, Faye is a hand me down middle name in my family. I love it, I love the idea. But Xiaden Faye... Uhm. It didn't sound quite right. Actually, I briefly considered dropping Faye all together, because I was upset that I couldn't pick out my own kid's middle name (but mom pouted, and being the first daughter is a big deal) I wanted Xiaden Elise. I love it, still. But Xiaden Fayelise (you see what I did there? Mhmm) just is perfect. And if you've ever met my Xiaden, you know she's one of a kind... just like her name :)

Kamden Onyx

okay. Well, I'll be honest and say that this is the only name I actually had to take input on. I was with Shayne when I was pregnant with Xiaden, but he didn't pretend he had any input in her name, and I didn't either. But Kam... Kamden was a rollercoaster, that caused my friends and family to all not trust me. I can't even remember all the names that were discussed, (Shayne Kendall Jr. was briefly considered) but we landed on Archer Kamden. That is what we picked. Then a week after out baby shower, Shayne decided he didn't like Archer as a first name, so we switched it. (This caused an uproar) But Kamden Archer did sound better than vice versa. Then, when I was in the delivery room, in labor, Shayne tells me he didn't like Archer at all.
......
Okay, this was his first kid, and it was the first boy in the generation. So I pulled out my phone out and started throwing names out (I will admit, I was looking for words with X's in them... It's my favorite letter.) and Onyx came out and Shayne liked it. It doesn't make much sense, because onyx is black and my son is whiter than Whitey McWhite White. But I think it has a nice ring to it.

Rhyselle Adalei

Okay. I thought I was having a boy again. I really did. I wanted a William Atticus, or an Atticus Rhys (pronounced Reese. It's Welsh, or something) or an Alistair Torque (which is still probably my favorite, and if I'm ever crazy enough to have another kid and it is a boy, I'm pushing for Alistair Torque, because it's just a bad ass boy name) or something cool like that. Then it was a girl. Okay. Steffie threw a fit that I didn't want a -den name (something that was completely not planned with Xia & Kam) So for a while I was going to have a Lynden Raylee (Lynden means lemon tree or something... uhm. Not cute. But Lyn would be cute. Xia, Kam & Lyn. But no.) (Ray is Tylor's middle name, Lee is Kyle's. But at this point in my life, I had discovered my third brother, and his middle name is Paul, which just wasn't going to work.) I had originally planned on Quora (Kora) Adalee (ay duh lee) but it sounded like Quran, but I'm not Muslim... so no... Just no. I latched on to Rhys. (and my other two have 6 letters in their names, and I thought just Rhyssie, or Rhizzie, but there's not many options to shorten that or come up with any other nick names. Xia got Xiadey, Kam has always been Kamman, but Rhyssie would have just been Rhyssie, because Rhyssie is a nickname for.. well, I had to figure out what the real name would be.)
I settled on Rhys (which is a boy's name) and Elle (which is definitely girly) that way, Rhys can do whatever she wants with it. Rhys, which is fine, Rhyssie, Elle, Ellie (I wanted her nickname to be Ellie, but my daughter is not an Ellie, she is definitely a Rhyssie.) Adalei... I don't know. I took Adalee and made it Hawaiian or something. I don't know. But it flows well, and it passed the yell test**

So, there are my babies names, on my baby blog's 6 month birthday ;)

Yell Test: You yell the name out loud to make sure that when they're in trouble, it comes out clearly and sounds intimidating and not like a hippie on drugs stumbling over their tongue. The Yell Test is important and has always been instrumental in picking out names) Archer Kamden failed the yell test. Kamden Archer passed. Yell them out loud. You will understand

Note: I have names for twins picked out. 

Atticus Turbo & Alistair Torque (judge me, I dare you.)

Skye Fari & Siela Fate (Judge me again.)

I want my (nonexistent and totally improbable) twins to have the same initials.

Skye & Siela (Ciel is sky in french.)
Fari is Speak in latin, which happens to be Fate's origination.

Atticus (uh, to kill a mockingbird) & Alistair (uh, Harry Potter)

Turbo & Torque are both car terms.

I'm awesome, kay?

byeeee, Brittany

McLaurin

Robin Williams has been ingrained into my life from a very young age, from Aladdin, Ferngully & Mrs. Doubtfire. Then I saw Flubber, Jumanji, Hook, and Dead Poet's Society. My children have him in Happyfeet & Night at the Museum. When I found out that he was dead, I thought it was a cruel joke. No one that happy could be gone from the earth that young. Only 63 years old, in this day and age? But then I think, what would 63 years of torturous angst and crippling depression.

there are a couple of different directions I could go with this post. I can't decide, so I'll just do both.

My favorite Robin Williams moments.

Dead Poets Society. It's easily in my top 5 favorite movies and is definitely my favorite Robin Williams Movie. Watch this scene, you'll know why. There are dozens like it. And as a freshman in high school watching this for the first time, it inspired me in a way I never forgot. Seize the Day.

I am really sad I couldn't find a longer clip of Mrs. Doubtfire on the YouTube, but c'est la vie. It was one of my favorite VHSs to watch, my brothers and I all got a kick out of it.

Good Will Hunting. I don't know why everyone remembers this man as only a comedian. He was a brilliant fucking actor. I won't even excuse my language because it is absolutely true. He was brilliant. He is... astounding.

The Big Wedding. Okay, this one is a little explicit, but it's so funny. If you didn't watch The Big Wedding, it's really good. I think it's probably the funniest role he ever played... Well, that's my adult opinion.

Aladdin. Okay... Lets be honest here. Genie made this movie. The whole movie. And Robin Williams made Genie. He WAS genie. No one else could have possibly brought that character to life. It had to be Robin Williams

Okay, now. There was the happy part. If you want to think I am a happy person, please stop reading. Really, I'm not kidding. It's going to be hard for me, and if you want to pity me or judge me, please just salir de aqui.

I am unfortunate enough to understand the crippling depression he must have suffered. Two journeys are never the same, there are no two experiences that are ever alike. But I have battled with depression for a long time. Its been almost like a constant companion, it's the dog that follows you everywhere no matter how often you tell it to scram. It follows you, and it is lurking in the shadows, but even while it is looming over you, the times you stand in the sun are still shiny and bright and warm.
It's hard to describe my war with depression. It's mostly because I don't describe it at all. It's something I am ashamed of, a darkness that I keep hidden in a little box behind the facade of a smile. It isn't just an emotional thing. It is a very real danger. It is destructive. In my bouts with it, I find myself eating less. Not because I'm choosing to eat less, it's simply because I have no appetite. I find myself easily aggitated, and quick to anger. How can no one realize that I am hurting? How can no one see that I am at the bottom of a well with no way out? How can everyone continue on with their lives while I am drowning in despair?
The answer, of course, is that I hide it extremely well. I don't know when I started hating myself. Maybe it was when I was four, and "daddy" touched me at night and no one stopped him. Maybe it was when I was ten, when I started getting boobs and people started paying attention to me, feeling dirty every single a stare fell on me. Maybe it was when I was fifteen and I had sex for the first time. I don't know when it happened, but it did. I hated who I was, what I was. what happened to me. I hated my mom for not stopping the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of the man she married. I hated him. I hated my brothers because they were normal happy stupid kids and I was never given that option. I hated everything. and I don't know when that happened. But I remember the first time I cut myself. And all the times after that. And the moment I got pregnant with a beautiful baby I didn't want to be born into a shitty world.  I remember meeting the man of my dreams, and falling madly in love with him... I remember my mom staying with the man who took my childhood away from me instead of protecting me. I remember losing my third baby, and hating my body for not taking care of that innocent life. I remember my husband taking that all the love and promises he made away from me. I remember my first therapist, and my first prescription of antidepressants. I remember drinking just to sleep. Looking at the precious faces I gave birth to and hating the monster I had become. Hating the face of depression painted on mine. I remember being the loser living with her mom. I remember every look of pity, and every awkward hug. I remember every single thing bad thing that I have thought and I have been through and I have done. And that's enough to drown a person,
But luckily, I have three little anchors in my life. Three beautiful children that keep me here, keep me fighting. My dark days are very few compared to my bright ones. But I can understand how some people could lose that fight.

Depression is not simply feeling sad. It isn't a bad day, or a even a string of bad days. It isn't simply self loathing.
Depression is a chemical imbalance. Depression is hereditary disorder. Depression is a life long struggle. The feeling that you are being held under water by yourself, and you can't get even a gasp of air. And if you have never been there, then you have no right to judge. Suicide is not an answer, but sometimes it feels like one. Continuously drowning in your own life? Sometime the escape is tempting. It is truly a selfish act, suicide. It really is, and sometimes, when you're dark, you reason with yourself. You think "if they knew what this felt like, they'd understand. If they only knew."
But that is entirely incorrect. If they knew, they'd help.

Now, let's get this straight... This is not a cry for help. I am really and honestly doing much better now. I know that may sound crazy, seeing as how I just tried to describe to you how crippling depression can be. My life is headed in an upward direction and I have many many more good days, and very few bad nights. I have eliminated sources of negative energy, replaced them with beacons of light. I have conquered the hard times. I have more ahead, but I have a support group in place. I have healthy outlets of anger. I have my kids. I have hope.
So... the genie is free.

And that's all for now, ladies and gents.
Good night
Brittany.

Neglect.

I feel like I have failed my blog. I haven't written in like, 10 days, and I am a bad person. In my defense, the last week has been a hurricane and I am exhausted.  I've been staying up until 3am trying to figure things out with my life. Lots of Pandora and list making and laundry. Lots of laundry. It's been fun. Luckily I've been in good company. Texting company, anyway. (it's a cute boy, in case you're wondering)
Today was my Kamman's birthday :( My little man turned 4! He's a kid now! D: He got some new clothes from Gigi and I got him pizza (his request) and a couple of Cars toys (Lighting McQueen & the King) and the rest of the fun will be Sunday for his party! I will not lie, though. His party isn't going to be as ... interesting as Xiaden's. It's going to be presents, cake & ice cream, then poooooools! I figured, he's a boy. He doesn't care about stations. Also, there aren't many cool party stations for Cars. But he's a four year old boy, I don't think he'll mind too much.
So, anyway, I've been watching tons of youtube videos on ASL. And I'm rewatching Switched at Birth, trying to pick up new signs and phrases. New things on the college list
figure out what the heck my college email is (so...)
I can sign up for the phone alert system
also, I have 12 more days I can see I get a book waver thingy.
If not, I get books!
Then, in a month, I go to bachelorette party
I bought my heels, they're sexy.

look at those sexy things!!!

I also got my tutu in. I feel like a midget, but it's cool.

I'll be working every weekend to pay for the weekend and my car payment and order my dress.
Mom says I should buy the dress I like, and sew a nude piece of fabric in the see through bit so I can wear a real bra for girls with big boobs.

I have orientation in two weeks

I have class in two and a half

I am freaking out

and so freaking excited

just found out the cute boy is reading blog. (he's judging my raisin hatred)

hello, cute boy! ;)

back to my lists.

I have to buy Xiaden school clothes, because she starts school in three weeks. THREE WEEKS and my baby starts kindergarten!!!
I'm have meet the teacher night the same night my first class is

I don't know if I should skip my first class ever to meet my daughter's first teacher ever

That is a hard decision

NEXT

I have to start Christmas shopping! D:

So many presents to buy.

I also need to clean my car out

and get it's oil changed

and find someone to teach me how to change it's oil

because it's an important life skill.

and also, get it washed

Quasi is dirty :(

I was planning on getting a tattoo this Friday, but now that I just listed everything out in words in a place I can read them I just realized I can't afford it!
Ahhhhh.

I need a bath and cuddles and wine and a new tattoo.

c'est la vie.

in other news, I got a new lipstick.

it's awesome.

I'm running out of things to talk about

unless you want to hear about all the awesome good fun times I've been having at work that has been stressing me out. I swear its going to make me bald.

I'm going to take a shower.
So.... til next time, my little loves.

BRITTANYFAYE.