Tight Lips and Petty Thoughts

So, I have this problem with my verbal filter. I can't quite control it, sometimes my wit and snippy comments weasel their ways out of my mouth. Like WORD VOMIT.

enjoy this little gem :)

(which is appropriate, since 1 week from today is officially the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, btw. On Wednesdays, we wear pink! That is so fetch.)

Here's the thing, and I'm going to allow myself to be honest in public for once, so don't judge me on this. I am going to spew all the thoughts kept cooped up in my head for almost two years.
Or you can totally be a judgy bxtch, because I don't caaaaaaaaaaare.
Mkay, so.
I married a child. I had children with a immature little brat who couldn't take responsibility for his mistakes or problems.
It was horrid, through out my entire marriage, I had to take the blame for his frustrations, warranted or not.
And I understand that everyone does that, even if it's not right. I yell at my brother if I had a bad day at work and he only said something in passing about my hair.
But he did it about everything. If he was late to work, it was my fault. When he got discharged from the military, it was my fault. When he cheated on me, it was my fault. If Kamden colored on the walls while I was in the bathroom, it's my fault.
And I took it, because I loved him. Sometimes, I would whine or complain, but he would decide to go hang out with the guys or go for a walk or magically disappear every time I wanted to try to fix it. I went to counseling, I tried everything I could think of, even trying to work things out after he cheated on me the first time. I couldn't do it.
And I had a revelation.
I couldn't stay just because I cared. I could only stay if he cared.
And simply put, he didn't.
He cared more about his side chick, and his friends, and drinking on weekends, and the PS3, and the gym.
And I tried to compete for attention.
But here's the thing.
I'm too awesome to compete for anyone's attention.
That's just a fact. Anyone who could put up with a man child for three years deserved someone who can and will give her attention. And I deserve a man like that.

In all of the year and a half of being separated, I have never publicly vented about this. I have written thousands of statuses only to backspace and forget about it.
Not even when he cheated on me, got mad at me for finding out, and left a 1 year old & 2 year old and me stranded in a house with no car and no money for days, sometimes for a week, at a time.
Not even when he had me move back in with my mom so he could have some space.
Not even when he asked me for money.
Not even when he got kicked out of the Air Force.
Not even when he left me, again, when I was pregnant.
Not even when he moved in with my ex best friend and started sleeping with her, again.
Not even when he cut my phone off when I didn't have a job.
Not even when he took the only form of transportation the kids and I had.
I will never say a thing against him to my children. He's a part of them, and I don't want to make them feel like that part is worthless, even if he is. No one sees this part of the relationship. No one sees my half, except my immediate family, and a few friends I choose to rant to.
And now, the world wide web.

He hasn't seen my babies in a year.
A. Year.
He constantly posts and shares things on Facebook about loving kids, and how proud he is, (among sexual innuendos, blatantly sexual posts, and bashing his ex - me) but there was one that stood out to me.
"Some men should hope their daughter never meets a guy like them."
and I think it's accurate. Xiaden has stopped asking questions about him. Rhys has only seen him twice, both times before she was even three months old. I don't want them around him, because girls chase boys that are like their fathers, and I hope that scares the crap out of Shayne.
I don't have a father.
I had a biological donor who left before I was born, then turned to drugs and alcohol and was a bad influence on my little brother, and eventually died from substance abuse.
And I had an adoptive father who molested me for ten years of my life.
Neither are in my life, so I can easily stand here and say my life is infinitely better without them in it. And I truly believe my kids' lives are better without him in them.
I hope it doesn't make me sound selfish when I say that I'd rather my kids grow up knowing I love them to the sun and back instead of watching them chase after their absentee father's love. If the courts allowed me to keep my sweet children away from him, I would. He would never see them again except in pictures.
But, unfortunately, a judge is in charge of my life and there's nothing I can do. So, all I can do is pray that he is the kind, sweet caring man I fell in love with while he's around them. All I can do is stand powerless and wait for my babies to be returned to me.

And there is a very real chance he may take them for a few hours this weekend. My sweet sweet parents in law volunteered to keep them at their house so Shayne can see them, and I feel more comfortable knowing that Mimi & Papa will be there while my kids are trying to reacquaint (or in Rhyselle's case - acquaint) themselves with the "man" that calls himself their father. The "man" who tried to refuse claim on Xiaden to save money on child support, the "man" who has left bruises on Kamden's face from hitting him so hard, the "man" who doesn't even know what day Rhyselle's birthday is on.
The "man" that pops in and out of their lives, and makes it harder on me every time Kam & Xia want to see him and I don't know how to get a hold of him. I only have his girlfriend's phone number, the homewrecker that called herself my best friend and comforted me all the while closing in on my husband. I think you could see why I refuse to call her on the subject of my children.

I just need to vent, I need everyone to know that I am not the horrible terrible person he makes me out to be. And I need to stop being his doormat.

I am a strong independent woman who don't need no man.
;)

<3 Brittany.

Va Va Vroom

The last week has been exhausting and trying. I keep telling myself that God is testing my patience in my job. I love everything about what I do. I like my job. But sometimes the people I interact with are in bad moods, just like everyone. But the thing is, Reed, my boss, is OCD AND ADHD. Like. Legit, diagnosed crazynut. Which means, he says things, and tells me to do things, and then forgets that he told me, then gets angry that I did. Or I'll do it wrong. Or he'll think he told me to do something then get upset when he finds it undone... I've gotten in the habit of saying you probably told me... in your mind.
But, just like all other people, I have emotions, and I have an overwhelming need to be right. I always need to be right. There's no other option for me. Maybe I'm legit crazy like Reed.
However, arguing with an ocadhd 60 year old man who also signs my paychecks never ends well. I have to tell myself that he's wrong and shut up. Or else, he pulls the I'm your boss card. I don't like that card. I bristle at the thought of it.

Anyway, I've been at this job for 14 months. In the 14 months I have worked here, I've been at a 2 foot by 5 foot little table that Reed called a desk. He and Leslie both have nice sized L shaped desks and I whined my way through 9 months and in November, he bought me an L shaped desk, just like his, with a hutch, just like Leslie's. I was thrilled.
that was six months ago. My desk has been in a box for six months. Ask me why.
Okay, that was rhetorical, I'm going to tell you anyway.
Reed was unhappy with his desk's placement, but in order to move his desk, we would have to move everything.
So, I got my desk in November, and I bugged Reed about assembling it, and he said not until we moved the office around, because he didn't want to have to move two large and heavy desks when he could just wait and move one. I saw his logic.
So Cody and I measured the entire office and drew a to-scale model of it, which I started drawing floor plans, and one by one, Reed would tweak them.
Last month, I finally came up with one he liked.
So, we blocked out the week of Easter and ordered the drape.
Well, the last week, I have been dragging heavy furniture, and cleaning carpets.
Weird. I thought I worked at a desk, but I was going to get my big L desk, so I shut it and moved heavy stuff and cleaned carpets.
I also had a very large hutch fall on my leg (no bruise yet, but it is tender.)
I also got to point to Cody to set up drape walls. Because I was tired and he didn't help move heavy stuff. So the three of us get the entire office rearranged (Leslie, Cody and me)(Reed was physically perturbed at the sight of our unorganized office so he couldn't step in without having a panic attack)(Yes, seriously.)
so, yesterday I unpacked all six billion pieces of my desk and read through the entire manual, and then Reed called Leslie for an update, so she told him what I was doing. So he panics. And tells her I can't touch it or I'll break something or do something wrong and ruin the whole desk, and I have to put it all away. So, I being a 21 year old adult woman, did what comes naturally to me.
I hid in the bathroom while throwing a fit, then left and went shopping for my lunch break. Cody magically had my desk pieces put away when I got back, which was nice of him, or I may have started crying or something.
Strike one.
Then, after all was finished, picked up and put away, it was the big unveiling. And he came in, and he decided he hated the color of the drape we ordered. He thought it was too yellow to be an ivory.
Strike two.
Then, he starts telling me I'm going to have to take it all down and replace it with a white material that's too long, but will look prettier than this custardy muslin we have sectioning off the large office room, because it's ugly.
Strike three.
That's when I officially stopped caring.
Today he told me I made his meeting room too small and we were going to have to change everything and I just nodded and took a mental note to make Cody do that on Monday because I didn't care. I did all of this crap for my desk and I can't have it. I am pouting. Straight up pouting.

But you know what's making all of this okay?

I got my new car!!!! :)

                     

I'm thinking about calling him Quasi.
Like Quasimodo.
Like Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Except the Hatchback of Notre Dame.
Hah hah hah. I'm hilarious.
Yayyyy.

anywho. I'm off tomorrow.
:) hope all y'all have a happy Easter!!!!

<3 Brit

Pimp-Mobile

So, the last week has been nuts. Friday, I had a sleepover with some of my besties, complete with alcohol, facials, pedicures, shots shots shots, impromptu pizza ordering and befriending the pizza delivery girl (who just found out she was pregnant, by the way.)

 Saturday, when we rolled out of bed/couch/floor mat (I got stuck with the floor mats, dang it.) I packed the kids up and went home, showered, and left my children with their stalker (Honestly, it's my mom's bff and she apparently misses my kids, since her kids are teenagers now and too cool for moms. You know how it is.) I went by the Nissan dealership to just talk about options to see if I could even qualify to buy a car (Shayne was bad with money, I figured my credit would be wrecked because of it) buuuuuut.... IT WASN'T! Actually, I have absolutely no credit, which is absolutely better than having bad credit. I ended up test driving some cars, falling in love with a cute little hatchback (2010 Pontiac Vibe) and signing some papers!
I will be picking it up next week.
Monday, I took off work, got a TEXAS driver's license (since I was still carrying around a Cali one) and got insurance on my Vibe
(okay, that's the worst name for a car ever. It's been decided. I can't even say it without feeling perverse) Then I went to the house so Grande could install my new internet, and while I waited, I read a book, called the elementary/magnet school down the street to get Xia entered (BECAUSE MY BABY IS GOING TO KINDERGARTEN NEXT YEAR) and figured out I missed the deadline, so I called main office, found out we have the ability to go to four different schools, then found out that the daycare my chillun go to now picks up from two of the four, then I called the two (because yes, that's really how my process of elimination works) and found out information about kindergarten roundup. Then I called my lawyer to find out when all the paperwork for the divorce was going to be finalized. Then Grande Brandon finished with my Grande Wifi and I went to the dealership and gave a copy of insurance to them, then picked up my chillun.
Tuesday (ahem, yesterday) I came to work, exhausted, and trudged through my day to get through two days worth of work. I climbed into my car and went on autopilot. I was three blocks away from my house when I had an "Oh shit" moment and realized I forgot to pick up the kids. Then I had another "oh shit" moment when I realized they were actually sitting in the back of my car... So we went home, enjoyed a good pb&j and watched some My Little Pony.
....
I cried at the episode when Twilight Sparkle got her princess wings.
I for real cried because it was just so beautiful and...
God, I was tired.
Then it was bedtime for the kids and Bones time for me...
and Netflix ran out of Bones.
I don't know what to do with my life.

I swear, it's been an emotional week.

This morning I woke up too late to shower (don't judge me, we've all been there) and so I threw my hair up in a bun and put excessive black eyeliner on my eyeholes.
This is a trick I like to call "please don't notice my oily hair, look at the black holes that are my eyes" technique. It usually works on men, and when girls see you, they just nod, because they know exactly what I'm doing.
Speaking of bun, I got the COOLEST things ever! I saw them on Pinterest and I was skeptical because they looked sketchy, but then I saw them in Dollar General for like, $2, and I figured I should try them out. They're everywhere, in different brands and different colors and everything, but if they weren't going to work, I wasn't going to spend six bucks on them.

THE SPIN PIN.

I just twisted Leslie's whole head of hair in to a bun and stuck one of these in that sucker and it is holding strong. Coolest things ever. I should buy up Midland's whole supply.

And on that note, I have to run.
143! Brittany.

Worst Fursday Ever.

I know many of you don't know what Fursday is, but let me help you out: it has nothing to do with the cafeteria.
No. Fursday is the curse of waking up on Thursday and thinking it's Friday. And being super happy all day because you don't have to work tomorrow, and you start wrapping everything up and try to get everything neat and tidy for when you come in on Monday, and then reality whacks you with the cruel truth in the afternoon and you suddenly become very sad.
I have been stuck in Fursday all day.
Even worse, when I woke up this morning, I felt like complete crap. I was cramping and gassy and over all gross, complete with heartburn and a headache. So, I did what all working mother of three children would do...
I made my children find clothes and shoes for themselves and then they fetched mine for me. Then I rolled out of bed, went to pick up my sweet, happy Rhyssie girl, and was surprised and disgusted when I saw that she had pooped then gotten her diaper off.
So, her legs, butt, hands, everything, covered.
It. Was. So. Gross.
So, I  started some bath water, picked up my baby, held her an arms length away, carried her into the bathroom, and plopped her in the bathtub (she hates bath time. So much.) Xiaden came in next to me and cooed to her little sister until Rhys stopped screaming and started laughing and splashing, and then I washed her super fast, threw her in a hand towel, stuck her in a diaper, Xiaden picked out a dress for her baby sister and we ran out the door.
Well, Xia and Kam did.
I grabbed the toddler and walked out... then puked right outside my door.
My children were running rampant in the front yard, by a very busy street, I was puking and unable to talk, and... well, I didn't know what to do with Rhys. Do I put her down? Do I throw her? Do I throw her over my shoulder?
I settled for pulling her and my arm as far behind my back as I could, though she manuevered her little head around far enough to see what was going on.

I sat there for a second, and then stuck them all in the car, ran inside, gargled some water, and ran out the door with a mouthful of mouthwash. As I drove them to the daycare, I had an internal debate with myself.
Do I miss out on work and lose money? Do I drop the kids off and go home and sleep through the whole day?
I almost called Leslie.
Then I realized that Leslie had to take her son to a dental specialist in Abilene today, and Reed is on a plane to Florida.
That's when I came into work. I really, honestly and truly considered doing the bare minimum of work... then laying on the couch while answering the phone when it rang.
But there was a lot to do, and so I didn't get to lay on the couch. I worked until I didn't feel sick anymore.
Whatever works.
Smelly Shelly came to my office today, and since I felt like crap all morning, I didn't brush my hair and I stuck it in a twisty bun. She told me it was ugly, and she did my hair in a white girl bun.
(Aka, ponytail on the top of my head. Braid the pony tail. Wrap the braid around it's self. Secure.
Super easy. Moderately Cute.)

But I just ate (Smiling Moose Deli, first time ever. It was good) and I feel like vomitting again.
:(
I may just go home early.

Wishes of good health and a sound mind, my little blog followers.
-B.

Sexayyyy

I know I posted last night, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to show you one of the biggest flops of my pinterested life.
(my life, not my mom's, because I tried curling her hair in some no heat way and it was terrifying thing, and she also couldn't sleep because she had tiny curly coil things placed all over her head, and then when she took them out, she looked like she had an afro... whoops.)

so this is the video one of my many sisters (in law? ex-inlaw? Idk. She's my sister.) sent me after I saw her beautiful super curly hair.


(makeupless Brittany don't caaaaaare)

and well, I feel like I looked less like a curly haired beauty and more like the cowardly lion circa 1939 (Wizard of Oz, people)

I didn't make so many tiny coils because I didn't want my curls that tiny. I also did this while watching Once Upon a Time on Netflix, and not a mirror. I guess maybe that was my big mistake? I don't know. I'm going to try again, because it worked for Cherilyn, but still, I ended up just brushing it out and showering. Why did I shower? After brushing out this mangled mane, I had major poofage. Not a good look for me. I promise.

not a good look for him either.

On that note...
I LOVE APRIL FOOLS DAY!

I'm taking it easy. A few minor pranks at home, which I cannot tell you about today, world wide web, since my family hasn't stumbled upon them yet.
However, I can tell you about my office prank.
I'm quite excited about it, actually.

So.
I have this bowl, right?
and I pour skittles, reeses pieces and m&ms in it.
Chocolatey, peanut buttery chewy fruitiness all in one bowl.
And I put this bowl on Leslie's desk.
Now... we wait.
Poor unsuspecting clients and employees will walk in and grab a handful of seemingly innocent peanut butter m&ms and then my harmless prank will make me laugh.
I'm saying peanut butter m&ms because if someone is allergic to peanuts, I don't want to kill them.
I'd feel bad then.

Happy foolsing!
;) B.

La La Laters, baby.

I've come to a realization. Literally, I've just came to it. Actually, it came to me. And it was not in a pleasant way. It was a revelation that slapped me in the face.
I have found myself at the end of one of the two extremes, in most cases. Either hot or cold. Never lukewarm. But that I knew already. What I didn't realize is how profoundly it effects my life.

I have been falling in love with people and ideas I will never have. I have been for a while. Maybe, oh, I don't know, shortly after Shayne left me. (Coincidence?)
And while I'm so busy trying to reach the unattainable, I miss out on a lot of good stuff. Good people, good men, good jobs, good plans, good ideas.
On the other hand, I'm always so focused on what I'm doing, what I'm good at, what's safe, that I forget to branch out. And, again, I miss out on so much, because I'm just so dang comfortable.
I don't know how to get out of this situation. I'm either too ambitious or too complacent. Either one gets in my way. I am seeing it more and more.
So I pose the question, how do I set achievable goals? How am I, the lowly dreamer, supposed to know when I set the bar too high? Or too low?
You see, I am very worried about appearances. I am. I hate that I am. But I am. I'm just like my mother in that aspect. I like to pretend I don't give a dang, but at the end of the day, I'm acting out for the shock value or following the rules to be completely ordinary. I want to be viewed in a certain way and if others' perception of me does not align with my own, I feel like there's a problem (which is ludicrous and insane, I know. I really do.)
Let's apply this to hypothetical situations.
Keep in mind, generally hypothetical.
But say... I meet a guy, and I actually like him, and he's generally awesome,  but he's 10 years older than me? 10 years older than me is only 8 years younger than my mother. Do I even try? No.
Or I meet another one, except he's married. Or I meet one, but oh crap he said I love you on the second date. Run.
Or another, who had such s low self esteem, he refuses to believe any one (especially someone as awesome as me) could even think about liking him.
Or another, but I just looked him up on Facebook and he's actually insane.
See? I flirt with all of these weird types of men, but I am trying to figure out if this is my way of protecting myself from more great break? I couldn't flirt with the normal cute guy in the line at Target, noooo. I have to go for the crazies because I walk on the wild side or something.
Or it could quite possibly be that I have three children and most men just see that as a huge turn off... (Totally understand that point of view, though. I mean, package deals are usually something you really want coupled with something that looks pretty cool until it's in your house.) (Really though)
It's probably because I am actually that terrible at picking men. No matter. I'll let Shelly sign me up for a dating site and she can pick ones for me.
But let's move on to ideas.
I want to go to college, but I don't want to go just part time because I want to get my bachelor's out of the way, but I can't go full time or else I'd miss more work, then I couldn't feed my children.
Or I want to write a book, I've been writing for three hours and oh my God, I'm only on the second page and I don't even know what I wanted to do with this character.
Or something as simple as, if I do two loads of laundry, I'll only have 16 loads left.
The grandiosity of my brilliance intimates me, so I lay down and take a nap. Or do something else that I know is easy and that I can accomplish without struggle.That's the solution to all the problems. "Oh sweet jeebs, this whole situation seemed a lot better in my head, and now I am struck by the enormity of what I want to do. I'm not sure I want to do this any more. Let's go eat a taco or something."

I don't know. I want to stop it. I don't think this is living, chasing after dreams, or hiding from reality. If it doesn't scare the crap out of me, then I don't think it's worth doing.
 I don't know how to stop living under the bar, or up in the clouds. I don't know how to make this change.. And I only read fictional books, because I've tried self help crap and holy nuts, I can't even make it through the first chapter. So I guess this is one of those life journeys I have to go through.
Till next time.
B <3