Have kept me away from you, my loving, probably imaginary, faithful blog followers. I lost a very special relationship, I am in limbo in a growing friendship, and I am altogether, a mess. I feel shattered and sad, but there's one thing I am not: hopeless.
As I have said before, I believe that I am a light. I'm not just a glow stick or some tiny nightlight, but a lighthouse, or one of those cool spotlights the fairs wave around in the dark sky when they come in to town. I illuminate everyone around me. I try to make everyone happy. Or... on my bad days, I just try to not make anyone unhappy. I feel that's heroic of myself, because sometimes I just want to call everyone a stupid head.
But imagine if that light went out. Who would my kids look to? How would my family fill the gaping dark hole I left as a sister, daughter, cousin? I can't afford to be hopeless. I have too many little cousins, too many friends, too many imaginary bloggers to let down. I have to keep hope, hope that it will all work itself out. Hope that I will be able to move on. Hope that everything and everyone goes in the directions they should.
So, even with the slightly fake smile on my face, I'm proud. I'm proud that I didn't lock myself in the bathroom this morning. That I managed to get my kids dressed. Proud that I didn't forget to pick up formula for the fat baby Rhyssie. Even when I am feeling down, I try to find the silver linings. Because I think that the people I have surrounded myself with deserve the best me I can give them. I don't want to be the cause of anyone's unhappiness, just part of the solution.
That's good, right?
Well, I think do alright.
:)
Til next time.
-B
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