McLaurin

Robin Williams has been ingrained into my life from a very young age, from Aladdin, Ferngully & Mrs. Doubtfire. Then I saw Flubber, Jumanji, Hook, and Dead Poet's Society. My children have him in Happyfeet & Night at the Museum. When I found out that he was dead, I thought it was a cruel joke. No one that happy could be gone from the earth that young. Only 63 years old, in this day and age? But then I think, what would 63 years of torturous angst and crippling depression.

there are a couple of different directions I could go with this post. I can't decide, so I'll just do both.

My favorite Robin Williams moments.

Dead Poets Society. It's easily in my top 5 favorite movies and is definitely my favorite Robin Williams Movie. Watch this scene, you'll know why. There are dozens like it. And as a freshman in high school watching this for the first time, it inspired me in a way I never forgot. Seize the Day.

I am really sad I couldn't find a longer clip of Mrs. Doubtfire on the YouTube, but c'est la vie. It was one of my favorite VHSs to watch, my brothers and I all got a kick out of it.

Good Will Hunting. I don't know why everyone remembers this man as only a comedian. He was a brilliant fucking actor. I won't even excuse my language because it is absolutely true. He was brilliant. He is... astounding.

The Big Wedding. Okay, this one is a little explicit, but it's so funny. If you didn't watch The Big Wedding, it's really good. I think it's probably the funniest role he ever played... Well, that's my adult opinion.

Aladdin. Okay... Lets be honest here. Genie made this movie. The whole movie. And Robin Williams made Genie. He WAS genie. No one else could have possibly brought that character to life. It had to be Robin Williams

Okay, now. There was the happy part. If you want to think I am a happy person, please stop reading. Really, I'm not kidding. It's going to be hard for me, and if you want to pity me or judge me, please just salir de aqui.

I am unfortunate enough to understand the crippling depression he must have suffered. Two journeys are never the same, there are no two experiences that are ever alike. But I have battled with depression for a long time. Its been almost like a constant companion, it's the dog that follows you everywhere no matter how often you tell it to scram. It follows you, and it is lurking in the shadows, but even while it is looming over you, the times you stand in the sun are still shiny and bright and warm.
It's hard to describe my war with depression. It's mostly because I don't describe it at all. It's something I am ashamed of, a darkness that I keep hidden in a little box behind the facade of a smile. It isn't just an emotional thing. It is a very real danger. It is destructive. In my bouts with it, I find myself eating less. Not because I'm choosing to eat less, it's simply because I have no appetite. I find myself easily aggitated, and quick to anger. How can no one realize that I am hurting? How can no one see that I am at the bottom of a well with no way out? How can everyone continue on with their lives while I am drowning in despair?
The answer, of course, is that I hide it extremely well. I don't know when I started hating myself. Maybe it was when I was four, and "daddy" touched me at night and no one stopped him. Maybe it was when I was ten, when I started getting boobs and people started paying attention to me, feeling dirty every single a stare fell on me. Maybe it was when I was fifteen and I had sex for the first time. I don't know when it happened, but it did. I hated who I was, what I was. what happened to me. I hated my mom for not stopping the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of the man she married. I hated him. I hated my brothers because they were normal happy stupid kids and I was never given that option. I hated everything. and I don't know when that happened. But I remember the first time I cut myself. And all the times after that. And the moment I got pregnant with a beautiful baby I didn't want to be born into a shitty world.  I remember meeting the man of my dreams, and falling madly in love with him... I remember my mom staying with the man who took my childhood away from me instead of protecting me. I remember losing my third baby, and hating my body for not taking care of that innocent life. I remember my husband taking that all the love and promises he made away from me. I remember my first therapist, and my first prescription of antidepressants. I remember drinking just to sleep. Looking at the precious faces I gave birth to and hating the monster I had become. Hating the face of depression painted on mine. I remember being the loser living with her mom. I remember every look of pity, and every awkward hug. I remember every single thing bad thing that I have thought and I have been through and I have done. And that's enough to drown a person,
But luckily, I have three little anchors in my life. Three beautiful children that keep me here, keep me fighting. My dark days are very few compared to my bright ones. But I can understand how some people could lose that fight.

Depression is not simply feeling sad. It isn't a bad day, or a even a string of bad days. It isn't simply self loathing.
Depression is a chemical imbalance. Depression is hereditary disorder. Depression is a life long struggle. The feeling that you are being held under water by yourself, and you can't get even a gasp of air. And if you have never been there, then you have no right to judge. Suicide is not an answer, but sometimes it feels like one. Continuously drowning in your own life? Sometime the escape is tempting. It is truly a selfish act, suicide. It really is, and sometimes, when you're dark, you reason with yourself. You think "if they knew what this felt like, they'd understand. If they only knew."
But that is entirely incorrect. If they knew, they'd help.

Now, let's get this straight... This is not a cry for help. I am really and honestly doing much better now. I know that may sound crazy, seeing as how I just tried to describe to you how crippling depression can be. My life is headed in an upward direction and I have many many more good days, and very few bad nights. I have eliminated sources of negative energy, replaced them with beacons of light. I have conquered the hard times. I have more ahead, but I have a support group in place. I have healthy outlets of anger. I have my kids. I have hope.
So... the genie is free.

And that's all for now, ladies and gents.
Good night
Brittany.