I've come to a realization. Literally, I've just came to it. Actually, it came to me. And it was not in a pleasant way. It was a revelation that slapped me in the face.
I have found myself at the end of one of the two extremes, in most cases. Either hot or cold. Never lukewarm. But that I knew already. What I didn't realize is how profoundly it effects my life.
I have found myself at the end of one of the two extremes, in most cases. Either hot or cold. Never lukewarm. But that I knew already. What I didn't realize is how profoundly it effects my life.
I have been falling in love with people and ideas I will never have. I have been for a while. Maybe, oh, I don't know, shortly after Shayne left me. (Coincidence?)
And while I'm so busy trying to reach the unattainable, I miss out on a lot of good stuff. Good people, good men, good jobs, good plans, good ideas.
On the other hand, I'm always so focused on what I'm doing, what I'm good at, what's safe, that I forget to branch out. And, again, I miss out on so much, because I'm just so dang comfortable.
I don't know how to get out of this situation. I'm either too ambitious or too complacent. Either one gets in my way. I am seeing it more and more.
So I pose the question, how do I set achievable goals? How am I, the lowly dreamer, supposed to know when I set the bar too high? Or too low?
You see, I am very worried about appearances. I am. I hate that I am. But I am. I'm just like my mother in that aspect. I like to pretend I don't give a dang, but at the end of the day, I'm acting out for the shock value or following the rules to be completely ordinary. I want to be viewed in a certain way and if others' perception of me does not align with my own, I feel like there's a problem (which is ludicrous and insane, I know. I really do.)
Let's apply this to hypothetical situations.
Keep in mind, generally hypothetical.
But say... I meet a guy, and I actually like him, and he's generally awesome, but he's 10 years older than me? 10 years older than me is only 8 years younger than my mother. Do I even try? No.
Or I meet another one, except he's married. Or I meet one, but oh crap he said I love you on the second date. Run.
Or another, who had such s low self esteem, he refuses to believe any one (especially someone as awesome as me) could even think about liking him.
Or another, but I just looked him up on Facebook and he's actually insane.
See? I flirt with all of these weird types of men, but I am trying to figure out if this is my way of protecting myself from more great break? I couldn't flirt with the normal cute guy in the line at Target, noooo. I have to go for the crazies because I walk on the wild side or something.
Or it could quite possibly be that I have three children and most men just see that as a huge turn off... (Totally understand that point of view, though. I mean, package deals are usually something you really want coupled with something that looks pretty cool until it's in your house.) (Really though)
It's probably because I am actually that terrible at picking men. No matter. I'll let Shelly sign me up for a dating site and she can pick ones for me.
But let's move on to ideas.
I want to go to college, but I don't want to go just part time because I want to get my bachelor's out of the way, but I can't go full time or else I'd miss more work, then I couldn't feed my children.
Or I want to write a book, I've been writing for three hours and oh my God, I'm only on the second page and I don't even know what I wanted to do with this character.
Or something as simple as, if I do two loads of laundry, I'll only have 16 loads left.
The grandiosity of my brilliance intimates me, so I lay down and take a nap. Or do something else that I know is easy and that I can accomplish without struggle.That's the solution to all the problems. "Oh sweet jeebs, this whole situation seemed a lot better in my head, and now I am struck by the enormity of what I want to do. I'm not sure I want to do this any more. Let's go eat a taco or something."
And while I'm so busy trying to reach the unattainable, I miss out on a lot of good stuff. Good people, good men, good jobs, good plans, good ideas.
On the other hand, I'm always so focused on what I'm doing, what I'm good at, what's safe, that I forget to branch out. And, again, I miss out on so much, because I'm just so dang comfortable.
I don't know how to get out of this situation. I'm either too ambitious or too complacent. Either one gets in my way. I am seeing it more and more.
So I pose the question, how do I set achievable goals? How am I, the lowly dreamer, supposed to know when I set the bar too high? Or too low?
You see, I am very worried about appearances. I am. I hate that I am. But I am. I'm just like my mother in that aspect. I like to pretend I don't give a dang, but at the end of the day, I'm acting out for the shock value or following the rules to be completely ordinary. I want to be viewed in a certain way and if others' perception of me does not align with my own, I feel like there's a problem (which is ludicrous and insane, I know. I really do.)
Let's apply this to hypothetical situations.
Keep in mind, generally hypothetical.
But say... I meet a guy, and I actually like him, and he's generally awesome, but he's 10 years older than me? 10 years older than me is only 8 years younger than my mother. Do I even try? No.
Or I meet another one, except he's married. Or I meet one, but oh crap he said I love you on the second date. Run.
Or another, who had such s low self esteem, he refuses to believe any one (especially someone as awesome as me) could even think about liking him.
Or another, but I just looked him up on Facebook and he's actually insane.
See? I flirt with all of these weird types of men, but I am trying to figure out if this is my way of protecting myself from more great break? I couldn't flirt with the normal cute guy in the line at Target, noooo. I have to go for the crazies because I walk on the wild side or something.
Or it could quite possibly be that I have three children and most men just see that as a huge turn off... (Totally understand that point of view, though. I mean, package deals are usually something you really want coupled with something that looks pretty cool until it's in your house.) (Really though)
It's probably because I am actually that terrible at picking men. No matter. I'll let Shelly sign me up for a dating site and she can pick ones for me.
But let's move on to ideas.
I want to go to college, but I don't want to go just part time because I want to get my bachelor's out of the way, but I can't go full time or else I'd miss more work, then I couldn't feed my children.
Or I want to write a book, I've been writing for three hours and oh my God, I'm only on the second page and I don't even know what I wanted to do with this character.
Or something as simple as, if I do two loads of laundry, I'll only have 16 loads left.
The grandiosity of my brilliance intimates me, so I lay down and take a nap. Or do something else that I know is easy and that I can accomplish without struggle.That's the solution to all the problems. "Oh sweet jeebs, this whole situation seemed a lot better in my head, and now I am struck by the enormity of what I want to do. I'm not sure I want to do this any more. Let's go eat a taco or something."
I don't know. I want to stop it. I don't think this is living, chasing after dreams, or hiding from reality. If it doesn't scare the crap out of me, then I don't think it's worth doing.
I don't know how to stop living under the bar, or up in the clouds. I don't know how to make this change.. And I only read fictional books, because I've tried self help crap and holy nuts, I can't even make it through the first chapter. So I guess this is one of those life journeys I have to go through.
Till next time.
B <3
I don't know how to stop living under the bar, or up in the clouds. I don't know how to make this change.. And I only read fictional books, because I've tried self help crap and holy nuts, I can't even make it through the first chapter. So I guess this is one of those life journeys I have to go through.
Till next time.
B <3
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