Fourth Christmas

Today (erm, yesterday?) was the fourth Christmas I spent as a single mom.
That's a crazy thought to wrap my head around, that I've been coordinating multi family Christmas excursions for my littles.
But it's great.
Because I'm no longer in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I'm no longer lacking confidence or self worth.
I'm no longer having panic attacks thinking he'll leave me alone.

Because it's done. Finished. I walked away from a toxic marriage, hoping time apart would heal what we broke and glued back together, that time would allow the glue to do it's work. But instead, the time apart convinced my husband we should never be together.
And I was devastated. I was alone with two children and a baby on the way, and the center of my universe walked out if it.

But in the years that followed, magic happened. I found who I really was as an adult, and I loved myself. I shed the self doubt and self consciousness and embraced who I was. And who I am is a woman who can raise three kids alone. A woman who knows what she wants and refuses to settle for less. A sensitive woman who will not let the world harden her.
That's who I am today.
Four years ago, I was in this bed, mourning my first Christmas alone.
Tonight I'm in this bed, celebrating the person I am because I'm alone.

Tonight, I'm laying in bed, content with who I am.
Tomorrow morning, I will wake up content with who I am.
It took me 23 years to figure it out, but better late than never.
Right?
I love myself.
And I've never been able to say that before.

Obviously I face insecurities and obstacles of my own making. I'm not freaking perfect.
But I'm pretty awesome, and that's pretty cool.
I'm single. I'm alone. And it's pretty liberating!