Tight Lips and Petty Thoughts

So, I have this problem with my verbal filter. I can't quite control it, sometimes my wit and snippy comments weasel their ways out of my mouth. Like WORD VOMIT.

enjoy this little gem :)

(which is appropriate, since 1 week from today is officially the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, btw. On Wednesdays, we wear pink! That is so fetch.)

Here's the thing, and I'm going to allow myself to be honest in public for once, so don't judge me on this. I am going to spew all the thoughts kept cooped up in my head for almost two years.
Or you can totally be a judgy bxtch, because I don't caaaaaaaaaaare.
Mkay, so.
I married a child. I had children with a immature little brat who couldn't take responsibility for his mistakes or problems.
It was horrid, through out my entire marriage, I had to take the blame for his frustrations, warranted or not.
And I understand that everyone does that, even if it's not right. I yell at my brother if I had a bad day at work and he only said something in passing about my hair.
But he did it about everything. If he was late to work, it was my fault. When he got discharged from the military, it was my fault. When he cheated on me, it was my fault. If Kamden colored on the walls while I was in the bathroom, it's my fault.
And I took it, because I loved him. Sometimes, I would whine or complain, but he would decide to go hang out with the guys or go for a walk or magically disappear every time I wanted to try to fix it. I went to counseling, I tried everything I could think of, even trying to work things out after he cheated on me the first time. I couldn't do it.
And I had a revelation.
I couldn't stay just because I cared. I could only stay if he cared.
And simply put, he didn't.
He cared more about his side chick, and his friends, and drinking on weekends, and the PS3, and the gym.
And I tried to compete for attention.
But here's the thing.
I'm too awesome to compete for anyone's attention.
That's just a fact. Anyone who could put up with a man child for three years deserved someone who can and will give her attention. And I deserve a man like that.

In all of the year and a half of being separated, I have never publicly vented about this. I have written thousands of statuses only to backspace and forget about it.
Not even when he cheated on me, got mad at me for finding out, and left a 1 year old & 2 year old and me stranded in a house with no car and no money for days, sometimes for a week, at a time.
Not even when he had me move back in with my mom so he could have some space.
Not even when he asked me for money.
Not even when he got kicked out of the Air Force.
Not even when he left me, again, when I was pregnant.
Not even when he moved in with my ex best friend and started sleeping with her, again.
Not even when he cut my phone off when I didn't have a job.
Not even when he took the only form of transportation the kids and I had.
I will never say a thing against him to my children. He's a part of them, and I don't want to make them feel like that part is worthless, even if he is. No one sees this part of the relationship. No one sees my half, except my immediate family, and a few friends I choose to rant to.
And now, the world wide web.

He hasn't seen my babies in a year.
A. Year.
He constantly posts and shares things on Facebook about loving kids, and how proud he is, (among sexual innuendos, blatantly sexual posts, and bashing his ex - me) but there was one that stood out to me.
"Some men should hope their daughter never meets a guy like them."
and I think it's accurate. Xiaden has stopped asking questions about him. Rhys has only seen him twice, both times before she was even three months old. I don't want them around him, because girls chase boys that are like their fathers, and I hope that scares the crap out of Shayne.
I don't have a father.
I had a biological donor who left before I was born, then turned to drugs and alcohol and was a bad influence on my little brother, and eventually died from substance abuse.
And I had an adoptive father who molested me for ten years of my life.
Neither are in my life, so I can easily stand here and say my life is infinitely better without them in it. And I truly believe my kids' lives are better without him in them.
I hope it doesn't make me sound selfish when I say that I'd rather my kids grow up knowing I love them to the sun and back instead of watching them chase after their absentee father's love. If the courts allowed me to keep my sweet children away from him, I would. He would never see them again except in pictures.
But, unfortunately, a judge is in charge of my life and there's nothing I can do. So, all I can do is pray that he is the kind, sweet caring man I fell in love with while he's around them. All I can do is stand powerless and wait for my babies to be returned to me.

And there is a very real chance he may take them for a few hours this weekend. My sweet sweet parents in law volunteered to keep them at their house so Shayne can see them, and I feel more comfortable knowing that Mimi & Papa will be there while my kids are trying to reacquaint (or in Rhyselle's case - acquaint) themselves with the "man" that calls himself their father. The "man" who tried to refuse claim on Xiaden to save money on child support, the "man" who has left bruises on Kamden's face from hitting him so hard, the "man" who doesn't even know what day Rhyselle's birthday is on.
The "man" that pops in and out of their lives, and makes it harder on me every time Kam & Xia want to see him and I don't know how to get a hold of him. I only have his girlfriend's phone number, the homewrecker that called herself my best friend and comforted me all the while closing in on my husband. I think you could see why I refuse to call her on the subject of my children.

I just need to vent, I need everyone to know that I am not the horrible terrible person he makes me out to be. And I need to stop being his doormat.

I am a strong independent woman who don't need no man.
;)

<3 Brittany.