A Week in the Life of Minerva

Thursday.

The man who hates me put me in a crate and stuck me in the car of some woman. She let me lose in her room and I immediately found my new super secret hiding space. She spent a while looking for me and started looking things up on her phone like "new cat is hiding" and "is it normal for cats to hide for hours." I know, because I can hear her talking to her "okay google."

Friday.

I can hear that woman looking for me. Ha! She opened a can of tuna to lure me out of my super secret hiding place. It'll never happen. I'm a great hider.
PS. She keeps calling me Minerva.

Saturday.

I am really hungry... Oh shit she found my super secret hiding place! Abandon the sock drawer! Run away! She almost scared the shit out of me, since I haven't been able to get to my litter box undetected.

Sunday.

I snuck out early this morning and ate all the tuna & cat food. She never even saw me, because she was sleeping. Maybe later I will allow her to touch me.

Monday.

I let the woman scratch my ears last night. She was so thrilled. Idiot. I tricked her into putting the book down & to scratch me instead. And just for amusement, I bit her hands all night when they stopped scratching me. I don't care that she was sleeping. Oh, and there are loud tiny humans here. Luckily, I found a hole cut into the wall by the plumbers to service the pipes, and I can now navigate my way to under the bathtub. No one can reach me here. Not even those tiny humans.

Tuesday.

I have decided to explore the rest of the house a little more tonight. I snuck out the door while the woman was in the bathroom, hahaha. Later, I met the resident dog at 3 am and was so afraid, I climbed up the air conditioner and ended up in the attic. The dog will never catch me now. Stupid dog.

Wednesday.

I realized today that I cannot get down from the attic. And my woman is trying to tempt me to emerge from my new secret hiding space with wet cat food, but I just can't make it down. I'll keep quiet... for now.

Thursday.

I showed a different taller woman my face to let her know I'm in the attic. She pulled me out of the attic despite my objections of being held. Despite my physical molestation I suffered through, I ate all the cat food and am now being scratched behind the ears again. Even by the tiny humans. They're all suckers.



I'm happily curled up on my woman's chest, preventing her from actually reading the book she's holding. That's all for tonight... or is it?

Tinder

Oh yes, I'm one of the people who unabashedly states that she's on Tinder. It's true.
And I'm freaking hilarious.

Let me tell you, the running dialogue in my head is amusing to say the least. I will ask opinions from people around me (my baby cousin is one of them) and then sit there and swipe left a zillion times in a row.
Why?

Let me tell you reasons I've actually swiped left (said no way)

1.  oh no, your name is not "Big Pimpin"
2. you look like you're twelve
3. why are you holding that fish? Not impressed.
4. ALL OF YOUR PICTURES ARE GROUPS. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WHERE'S WALDO.
5. your name is Norman
6. why are you taking pictures in the gym. stop it.
7. who are all these women in your pictures?
8. hahaha, it says right here you're actually 17. LIAR.
9. you look homeless
10. you are not cute
11. you look creepy
12. your about me says you're looking for "fun"
13. what does that mean, "a partner in crime but not a partner for life?" No.
14. you have more jewelry on than I do.
15. none of your pictures show me your face
16. you are not heath ledger
17. why are you surfing in every single one of your pictures, we are in the desert
18. you're not even from here.
19. you're old
20. you're dating my friend
21. you're married to my friend's friend.
22. you wrote you're married but looking for fun on your profile
23. my brothers name is Kyle
24. you are shorter than me
25. you're wearing a Cowboys jersey
26. you are taking selfies in front of a floral shower curtain
27. you won't swipe right on me cuz I'm fat.
28. your smile is murder-y
29. you are cuter than me.
30. dang it you're a smoker

reasons why I've swiped right (said okay)

1. oh look you have a cute dog!
2. you are tallllllll
3. riding a horse, yes.
4. look how cute you are with that tiny child!
5. YOU'RE A WHOVIAN
6. I like your shirt
7. you said you just want to buy me tacos and touch my butt.
8. yo,u sir, are driving a jeep
9. your eyes are pretty
10. hahaha you're funny, okay
11. I bet you have a cute butt.
12. Harry Potter marathons? I'm in.
13. you are wearing a bowtie
14. I think you might be a whovian...
15. OMG TATTOOS.
16. I like your hair
17. you're cute
18. I also love Netflix
19. oh man, you look so good with that guitar.
20. cowboy hats are a yes
21. I think you could probably pick me up
22. cheesy pick up line for the win
23. you're reading a book in that picture
24. what does that even mean? okay, I hope we match because I gotta ask you about that.
25. you're British? Why are you in Odessa? Let me love you?
26. hahaha, that's a Will Ferrell Quote
27. you are wearing a tigger costume and that's great
28. you are holding a cat
29. you are holding a CAMERA! We should go shoot together.
30. I just wanna see if you swipe right on me or not.

There you go.

innerworkings of my brain.

love you guys :) 

Pack her One Piece

My daughter is going to lad & lassie camp tomorrow.
Honestly, I have no clue what it is.
I do know that my momma signed her up for it, though.
So earlier this evening, when I was doing laundry my mom told me Xiaden would need her one piece.

Honestly, I don't know where this one piece came from. Probably in a welcome box of hand-me-downs. I put her in it when I can't find her (very tasteful) tankini.
But something struck a cord in me, and my poor mother got the backlash.

Why does my daughter need to wear a one piece?
So I ask my mom, who simply states that it's the rules.
But why? Do the boys have to wear shirts?
Obviously, she didn't know, because Kamden isn't old enough to go to Lad & Lassie camp, so she paid no attention to the boys' rules.
But I, being the difficult child my mother loves and tolerates, am incensed.
My mom tells me its fine, just send her in the two piece & a shirt.

My six year old girl just had a Jurassic World birthday party two weeks ago. I just bought her a dinosaur backpack. Something I knew would raise eyebrows because it's seen as a "boy" thing. Even Kamden tried to tell me it was a "boy" thing. I don't know who taught Kamden the entire "boy" and "girl" things were recognized, but that irked me at the time too. So I calmly explained to him that he can keep playing with the My Little Ponies & watching Princess Sophia even though everyone else thinks they're "girl" things, just like Xiaden can love velociraptors, even though they're "boy" things.
And it was as simple as that.

The only time I told my son anything was a "girl" thing is when he wants to wear bright red lipstick somewhere in public. I let him wear it at home, because he just likes to leave his kissy prints on everyone's cheeks. Just like Xiaden & Rhyssie. But when we go into a grocery store & I'm rocking my red lips, I will either put chapstick on him, or I will kiss his cheek so he's still sporting the red.

That's the only time.

Because I want all of my children to know that they're equal. They're all able to do and like whatever they want.

By telling me to cover up my daughter's bare midriff, you are telling me to hide the swim suit she loves. You are telling me to teach my daughter that she can't show her belly, that it's secret.
By telling me to do this, you are sexualizing a 6 year old girl's body. By telling me to do this, you are showing her that the boys don't have to wear shirts, but she does. By telling me to do this, you are showing my baby girl that her body is inappropriate.
This is where sexism starts. In Kindergarten, apparently.

Other Examples can be found here, here & on google.
I know I sound crazy.
I know they're just the rules.
but I want to know why, precisely, they are the rules.

Thank You.

I have written a dozen different titles to this blog.

two dozen different first sentences.

To say I am scattered is a gross understatement.

I have had a bad day.

A bad week, to be honest.

A bad year, to be melodramatic, which face it, sometimes I am.

Right now, I am. 

And in this blog, this insignificant thing, I want to thank you.

thank you for sticking with me through this.

thank you for forgiving my random breaks of days that turn into weeks that turn into months of silence from this blog.

thank you for rejoicing with me in my happy times

and thank you for consoling me in my worse.

thank you for giving me encouragement when I know I need it.

and even more when I think I don't.

Thank you reading through my anxiety written posts and simply saying nothing because you don't know what else to say.

Thank you for reading through my random things and finding one thing you like about it.

Thank you for being my silent supporters.

But there are people I need to thank directly.

Thank you Shelly, for being the voice of the logical side of my brain.

Thank you Momma, for not judging me for pouring booze into the left over fruit punch. 

Thank you Steffie, for judging me when I need to be judged.

Thank you Mema, for being my pillar.

Thank you Cody, for still making fun of me when I cry because you know how embarrassed I am for crying in the first place.

Thank you Jenna, for searching for jobs for me when I didn't have time to do it myself.

Thank you Destiny, for buying me that salad last Wednesday,

Thank you Auntie Ran, for being my reading buddy,

Thank you Katie, for being a single mom with me and understanding my plight. 

Thank you Kyle, for being all protective-y even though I hate it, because I know you care even though you'd punch me every single time you saw me... if you could.

Thank you Anderson, for actually caring. (Shut up Shelly.) 

Thank you Tylor for babysitting when I just need to go to the store with out my kids.

Thank you Justin, for being the most accepting person I've ever met.

Thank you Shayne, for giving me my family and the opportunity to become my own person.

Thank you Jonathan, for giving me Xiaden.

Thank you Bi Sheng, for inventing the printing press.

Thats it for now, I think. I know half the people I've thanked won't read this. The other half will read it and think "aw" but they still won't know how much I need(ed) them.

And I do need them. Because I am having a bad day.

On bad days, I remind myself of what is good.

and today, you are all the good.

and I am good.

and we're all alright.

Thank you all for being exactly who you are.

Even if you are a little weird

that one time I accused Shelly of hating circle food.

 Shelly: like grapes.
Me: ...
Shelly: Green grapes.
Me: ...
Shelly: Mashed.
Shelly: And aged.

Shelly: ...

Shelly: It's wine. I like wine.
Shelly: I like pepperonis!
Me: No tomatoes. No olives. No kiwi.
Shelly: Olives are like ovals. 

Me: Not when you cut them up.

Shelly: Potatoes are round!

Me: No potatoes can be shaped like... Australia or something. (Click those links, I dare you.)

and we lost it at Australia.

I really should start wearing one of those eye glasses cameras that exist so I can capture the magic of the moments I spend with this freak.

I'm just saying.

Comedy gold.

I am just honestly too lazy to write a blog so that's what you're getting tonight.

5 THINGS!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay a 5 things blog.

You know, when I tell you 5 things I like.
It's good fun.
Shall we start? Fantastic!

1. This eyeliner

I'm telling you, this shizz is magic. Goes on beautifully, stays on all day. It's amazing. I like it way better than liquid eyeliner & pencils seem to fade after a few hours. plus, this stuff is like 3 dollars. I got mine from a 7-11. Lol. It's my favorite :D

2. These bridesmaid dresses

I already told shelly she's gonna be rocking one. <3  I'll have my imaginary wedding in winter just so all of my friends will wear the long shinny dresses

3. This video

the song is so catchy! I love it. And all the stupid cute people. UGH they're so cute I CAN'T STAND IT.

4. These books

OMG they're so good. I didn't think I'd like them and sometimes I just wanted to shake girlfriends head off. But its alright. I just bought the next one. 

5. This tattoo <3

I mean.... It's so pretty. And it makes sense! 

KIK

I meet people on various apps (meet me, tinder, whisper, etc) and I use kik to talk to them. I talk to people all over. actually. Itally, England, Scotland, Canada, Iowa. Kik is an internet texting app, so I don't have to give them my number and I maintain privacy. Good fun.

Until someone posts your ID on a sex website and you get literally 83 pictures of penises from around the globe. It was insane.

I don't understand what that person gained from doing that.
I mean... satisfaction? I think not. It was overwhelming and slightly hilarious. Especially my comments back to them. I am quite witty and clever ;) Some of them immediately apologized. Some guys never responded. Some struck up casual conversation, as if I had not seen their naughty bits moments earlier.
This isn't the first time this has happened.

but hey, if you just enjoy screwing with me for the sake of screwing with me, you should know... it doesn't work :)

I suggest you give it up, though.
Because eventually I'll figure it out, and as I have stated before...
I'm witty and clever.