Every time someone sees Kam, they always say he looks just like Shayne. I see it. And not just aesthetically. I see it in all of him. I see Shayne in his smile, in his laughter. I see it there when he's going to something to make me laugh, or when I catch him doing something he shouldn't. But it hurts, you know? Here's this precious little boy, that I've raised alone for two thirds of his life, and all I can see is my ex husband. I find myself praying that Kam gets my sense of compassion, that he cares how he makes people feel. That I can raise him to respect every woman and not just the one he's in love with at the time. I pray that this beautiful, smart, infuriating little trouble maker gets his father's height, charisma and good looks, but none of his personality. I pray for Rhys too. Every time someone says she looks just like Kam, or when they say she made a "Kam face." Because she's my baby, I've raised her with the help of my family and a daycare, but generally alone. I'm the only parent she's ever had.
And I sometimes I hate that I pray for that, because at one time, I was completely in love with their father. I tried so hard that I ended up sacrificing who I was just trying to keep our fragile little family together, trying to keep my babies' daddy in their lives because they deserve two parents that love them. But they also deserve two happy parents.
It took me a very long time to realize that. Even now, I have to remind myself of it. That they deserve to see their parents happy, whether it is together or in different houses. Even if they never see Shayne again, they will see me, trying my best for them, and finding happiness in the big things and the small. They will hear about the good times, the times before everything went to shit and I was left alone. I won't say a single word against my children's father to any of them.
Why? Because he is always going to be a part of them. Even if he hadn't seen then in a year. Even if they've stopped asking where he is. Even if he turns out to be the huge jerk I know right now for the rest of his life.
But I hope he pulls it together. For their sakes, I hope he does. Because I can't begin to describe the absolute joy on Xiaden's face when she sees her daddy. Because I can't stand the pain that rips through my heart when Kam runs up to random men yelling daddy because he can't remember Shayne's face. Because I know that Rhyssie needs to meet her daddy, and have just one good memory. (No offense, Steffie) (that's another story IF you don't know it.)
I will always try to be enough for them. I'm sure when they think back on their childhoods, they'll realize I want just completely crazy. That I did my best and I love them, even after two years of "the terrible two's." That every time I locked myself in the bathroom, it wasn't their fault. That when I call them weirdos, I was always proud of it. I'll always try to be enough, and when they're older, I hope they realize it. That I gave up my body, my sanity and at times, my bed, to make sure they were healthy and well looked after. I hope they appreciate that they were raised to say yes ma'am and yes sir and to be free thinkers, even if I thought they were nuts. That I support them and most of their decisions.
Because they are the sun in my sky. The thing that lights up my life, that makes life worthwhile. They remind me too slow down and have fun, that being a little late is okay sometimes, that it's okay to cry.
My babies, they've shaped me into who I am. I am so grateful. Yes, it would have been easier if I waited until later in life. Yes, it would be easier if I were married, or had a coparent that cared.
But I read somewhere that if it's easy, it isn't worth it.
(:
And I sometimes I hate that I pray for that, because at one time, I was completely in love with their father. I tried so hard that I ended up sacrificing who I was just trying to keep our fragile little family together, trying to keep my babies' daddy in their lives because they deserve two parents that love them. But they also deserve two happy parents.
It took me a very long time to realize that. Even now, I have to remind myself of it. That they deserve to see their parents happy, whether it is together or in different houses. Even if they never see Shayne again, they will see me, trying my best for them, and finding happiness in the big things and the small. They will hear about the good times, the times before everything went to shit and I was left alone. I won't say a single word against my children's father to any of them.
Why? Because he is always going to be a part of them. Even if he hadn't seen then in a year. Even if they've stopped asking where he is. Even if he turns out to be the huge jerk I know right now for the rest of his life.
But I hope he pulls it together. For their sakes, I hope he does. Because I can't begin to describe the absolute joy on Xiaden's face when she sees her daddy. Because I can't stand the pain that rips through my heart when Kam runs up to random men yelling daddy because he can't remember Shayne's face. Because I know that Rhyssie needs to meet her daddy, and have just one good memory. (No offense, Steffie) (that's another story IF you don't know it.)
I will always try to be enough for them. I'm sure when they think back on their childhoods, they'll realize I want just completely crazy. That I did my best and I love them, even after two years of "the terrible two's." That every time I locked myself in the bathroom, it wasn't their fault. That when I call them weirdos, I was always proud of it. I'll always try to be enough, and when they're older, I hope they realize it. That I gave up my body, my sanity and at times, my bed, to make sure they were healthy and well looked after. I hope they appreciate that they were raised to say yes ma'am and yes sir and to be free thinkers, even if I thought they were nuts. That I support them and most of their decisions.
Because they are the sun in my sky. The thing that lights up my life, that makes life worthwhile. They remind me too slow down and have fun, that being a little late is okay sometimes, that it's okay to cry.
My babies, they've shaped me into who I am. I am so grateful. Yes, it would have been easier if I waited until later in life. Yes, it would be easier if I were married, or had a coparent that cared.
But I read somewhere that if it's easy, it isn't worth it.
(:
Tata.
-B
-B
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